I have experienced significant emotional, sexual, physical and mental abuse. Having experienced this trauma, I developed an unhealthy attachment style as a FEARFUL AVOIDANT. I am also a #5 on the enneagram personality scale.
Thus, I tend to isolate myself from the world. As a life coach, it seems odd that I would struggle with such a negative coping mechanism. As an individual with an avoidant attachment style, people view me as free-spirited.
In spite of the fact that I appear physically strong on the outside, I am or can be quite sensitive due to my sense of independence. In most cases, I used to keep my feelings to myself; because I struggled with setting boundaries. They would come out sometimes when I did not speak up enough for myself. Or if I have over-given and under-received in my relationships.
Due To My Difficulty Setting Boundaries, I Used To Keep My Feelings To Myself Most Of The Time. Sometimes They Would Come Out When I Failed To Speak Up Enough For Myself. If I Have Over-Given In My Relationships And Under-Received In My Relationships.
If you have similar characteristics to mine. If your partner is too needy or dependent, you may not get along with them, even though you are a very giving person. Sometimes you may push people away out of fear of being trapped or confined.
Those you care about can probably count on you for amazing advice when they are vulnerable. Nevertheless, you don’t always feel comfortable with your vulnerability as a Fearful Avoidant. If you are hard to trust, you may push away people because you are uncomfortable letting your guard down.
Due to their attachment style, people with this style have difficulty trusting others. The reason for that may be that they experienced a turbulent childhood, perhaps as a result of physical or emotional abuse or even just because their homes were chaotic. However, many Fearful Avoidants also had one caregiver who was occasionally available and present.
Connection feelings can be good, but being afraid of deep connections can also be problematic. As for relationships, you probably feel pretty ambivalent about them too.
Sometimes, despite your deep affection for your partner, you feel a sense of distrust and dissatisfaction… … almost a feeling that there is something better you could be missing out on, or wondering about the future. Consequently, you may experience extreme swings between vulnerability and distance, or feeling invested in your relationships but experiencing sudden doubts because of this ambivalence.
Your partners can be incredibly confused and frustrated by this, but so can you.
I am happy to inform you that you can change the beliefs and habits that no longer serve you well. If you can replace your feelings of dissatisfaction and doubt with a new way of relating to others and to yourself, your feelings of dissatisfaction and doubt will disappear…
All you need to do now is get started on that path. As a result of my experience there, I have developed a method for attracting healthy relationships into my life and maintaining close relationships with my loved ones.
And I want to share it with you.
People with the fearful avoidant personality often have what’s called “depth of processing.” This means that you might overanalyze your partner’s body language and facial expressions for signs of betrayal. Due to your core wounds relating to trust, fearful avoiders may act in advance to protect themselves against betrayals by pulling away, sabotaging relationships, or even resorting to manipulation or control.
You have a tendency to push away people the second you start feeling vulnerable as an adult because as a child, you were often afraid of being abandoned. Your way of protecting yourself might lead you to leave people before they leave you. Your way of protecting yourself might manifest in your attempt to disconnect emotionally before actually leaving a relationship.
There is nothing more frightening than losing a relationship with someone dear to you. You usually keep emotional distance between yourself and partners, despite connecting easily with them.
Often, it’s easy to convince yourself that you’re being strong and independent… …but avoiding relationships is impossible in real life.
It is difficult for you to receive the warmth, support, and connection you can receive from others when you insist on maintaining too much freedom. Even worse…
Self-reliance may cause you to spend too much time thinking about your needs instead of your partner’s. That can leave your partner feeling isolated and alone.
Even though you may tell yourself that you need your freedom and independence… …it leaves you longing for the connection and closeness you so desperately desire.
And although right now I know how to create fulfilling relationships with partners who love, accept, and celebrate who I am, this wasn’t always the case.
You see, I married and divorced twice. Both exes were physically and emotionally abusive. Both cheated on me and betrayed me in so many ways. After, divorcing two men with the same characteristics and personalities. I realized that the problem was with me! Why did I keep choosing people in my life that were harmful to me, rejected me, and abused me? That’s when I realized just how harmful unresolved childhood traumas could be.
I remember the emotional and physical abuse. Along with a ton of gaslighting like it was yesterday.
I had just had my baby girl and found myself in the hospital fighting for my life. While at the same time my husband was calling me a worthless mother. Accused me of cheating… all the while posting on social media how he was fearful of losing me.
I came back home to an unloving, verbally and emotionally abusive husband who on the surface, thought he was a wonderful guy who loved his wife.
A day after arriving home from the hospital…the emotional abuse began. The accusations that I was cheating and the slandering of me to others. Caused others to doubt that my child wasn’t his. I became further isolated in my emotions. My coping mechanisms caused me to further the negative actions. Finding out that my husband had been cheating on me throughout our marriage, was just the beginning of me accepting my own faults and taking accountability of my trauma that affected our marriage.
That’s when I realized that this wasn’t a fairy tale marriage and it wasn’t going to have a happy ending.
I realized that this man had never loved me. He was a narcissist who didn’t know love or understand how to demonstrate love. I also realized that I was unable to love him because of my own trauma. Heck, how could I demonstrate love when I didn’t love myself?
I took accountability of my own actions and chose not to blame, deflect or point the finger. I had to make the choice to heal and grow. I chose this person. What cause me to choose this individual?
Although I was obviously not the only one to blame, I had spent 4 years of my relationship arguing, feeling suspicious and untrusting, and pushing him away in ways I didn’t even realize I was doing.
I was struggling with feelings of rejection, abandonment, distrust and loving myself. These issues needed to be addressed along with my underlying attachment issues and need for healing.
These moments seemed to symbolize the pinnacle of everything I hadn’t dealt with finally coming to the surface.
I was filled with hurt, anger, guilt, and to be honest… I couldn’t see a way out.
I felt suicidal and knew I desperately needed help.
So, I took all my belongings, packed up my children and fled to a friend’s house to live. In order to figure things out.
I had no family support system and very few friends.
I remember the emotional and physical abuse. Along with a ton of gaslighting like it was yesterday.
I had just had my baby girl and found myself in the hospital fighting for my life. While at the same time my husband was calling me a worthless mother. He accused me of cheating… then posted on social media how he was afraid of losing me.
I came back home to an unloving, verbally and emotionally abusive husband who on the surface, though he was a wonderful guy who loved his wife. A day after arriving home from the hospital…the emotional abuse began. The accusations that I was cheating and the slandering of me to others. Caused others to doubt that my child wasn’t his. I became further isolated in my emotions. My coping mechanisms caused me to further the negative actions. Knowing that my husband had been cheating on me throughout our marriage was just the beginning of me accepting my own faults and taking responsibility for the trauma that destroyed our marriage.
At that moment, I realized our marriage was not a fairy tale, and it wouldn’t end happily.
It became apparent that this man didn’t love me. This man was narcissistic and did not know love or understand how to show love. I also realized that I was unable to love him because of my own trauma. Heck, how could I demonstrate love when I didn’t love myself?
I took accountability for my own actions and chose not to blame, deflect or point the finger. I had to make the choice to heal and grow. I chose this person. What caused me to choose this individual?
Even though I wasn’t the only one at fault, I’d spent the first four years of our relationship arguing, feeling suspicious and untrusting, and pushing him away in ways I had no idea I was doing.
It was hard for me to love myself and cope with feelings of rejection, abandonment, and distrust. The underlying attachment issues and need for healing must also be addressed along with these issues.
These moments seemed to symbolize the pinnacle of everything I hadn’t dealt with finally coming to the surface. As a result, I felt hurt, angry, and guilty, and honestly, I couldn’t see any way out.
In the midst of my suicidal feelings, I knew I desperately needed help.
To escape, I packed up my belongings, my children, and fled to a friend’s house. In order to figure things out. I had no family support system and very few friends.
But I Refused
I knew that the God I was told about and all the wonderful things he promised to me. That it is possible to start living an abundant life full of love, passion, and joy with a partner who accepted me for who I was. Instead of letting the hurt and the shame consume me, I chose to embrace life. I spent countless hours and continue to learn everything I can about trauma and healing. I dug into everything from cognitive behavioral therapy to NLP, biblical truth … anything that I thought could help me heal.
My discovery of the solution inspired me to help others find theirs as well. I started Freedom In Yeshua Ministries for anyone searching for Freedom. If you’re anything like me. I like to balance science and worldly knowledge with biblical truth. Which I believe is the foundation of all truth and wisdom. I share my research and materials that helped me along on my healing journey.
You Can Be Free!
The experience of leaving two broken marriages with four children is/was devastating. It takes time to heal. It is a continual journey. Working on myself is necessary to create a thriving relationship with my future ideal partner. After years of avoiding connection, affection, and vulnerability…. I am finally achieving peace. I am healed. I claim it and walk in this truth daily.
I know now who Yahweh says I am. I define myself and my life through His eyes. I allow Him to design my path and guide my footsteps. By releasing my independence and control. I allow Yahweh to have power over my life. I can let the painful traumas of my life go…
My understanding of trauma and how the mind works grew as I learned more…
… And listened to many people express their deepest fears and hopes…
I began to understand why traditional approaches to treating relationship-based trauma had inconsistent results.
So I took everything I learned…
The personal confessions…
What our creator says about our mind, heart, and spirit….
Together with everything I’d learned about attachment styles, trauma, and relationships, I put it all together.
The mission of Freedom in Yeshua Ministries is to help people move past their fears, trauma, and reconnect with the truth of God’s word, and embrace their future with certainty and joy.
Could you imagine how life would be if you did not have to worry about where you stand with your partner and others around you?
What kind of relationship enables you to step out of your fears and worries, and introduces you to more honest, authentic relationships?
Can you imagine a life where intimacy and connection are easy?
Instead of being stuck in dead-end relationships again and again…
Wishing and pray that your relationships last forever
Finally, you would be able to enjoy a healthy, conscious relationship in which you and others are free to be your true selves.
DISCOVER HOW TO CREATE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES IN ORDER FOR YOU TO HEAL and GROW.
If you really want to discover who you are through the eyes of Yahweh. If you want to understand your needs better, Overcome your fears…
And feel connected, loved, valued and understood…
…then Freedom in Christ 10 lesson discipleship course and our Steps to Freedom is the best way to do that.